Astronaut attempts kidnapping; flees to outer space

Okay, not really, but there are all sorts of punch lines you could write for this story:

A NASA astronaut charged with attempting to kidnap a romantic rival in a love triangle with another astronaut was ordered released on bail Tuesday on the condition that she not contact the alleged victim.

No telephone calls.
No conversations.
No phaser exhanges.

Nothing.

Nowak, a married mother of three, stood in a jail uniform, usually facing down during the hearing. She planned to return home to Houston, and the judge ordered her to wear a tracking device.

The 43-year-old robotics specialist faces charges including attempted kidnapping, attempted vehicle burglary with battery, destruction of evidence and battery.

Her poor husband must be exceedingly embarrassed. And if she is a robotics specialist, and is forced to wear an electronic TRACKING DEVICE, don't you think she knows how to disable it? Hmmmmm...

Police said she drove 900 miles, donned a disguise and was armed with a BB gun and pepper spray when she confronted a woman she believed was a competitor for the affections of Navy Cmdr. William Oefelein, an unmarried fellow astronaut.

Should have taken the shuttlecraft. She'd have been home in time to make dinner for her husband and kids.

Seriously though. A BB gun and pepper spray? What was she going to do? Shoot her in the ass and blind her with the spray?

According to authorities, Nowak believed another woman, Colleen Shipman, was romantically involved with Oefelein. When Nowak found out Shipman was flying to Orlando from Houston, Nowak decided to confront her early Monday, according to the arrest affidavit.

Seems like a long way to drive! But the real kicker here... the very best part of the whole story... and I mean Very. Best. Part:

Nowak raced from Houston to Orlando wearing diapers in the car so she wouldn't have to stop to go to the bathroom, authorities said. Astronauts wear diapers during launch and re-entry.

Erhm. Mmph. Grmmphmpph... BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh dear. Oh my, oh, oh, oh hehehehehehehehehe! That's just... AAAAAH HA HA HA HA!

There is more to the story, but I couldn't finish it due to continuous laughter and the tears streaming down my face.