The People Posts, Installment #1: Disguises, Conformists and People Pleasers

Since I consider myself a studier of character (although I wouldn't claim to be an expert in this area by any means), I've decided to embark upon a series of posts I have titled "The People Posts". This is the first installment, and it relates to something I've been thinking about a lot over the last couple of days. I believe that the world would be a far better place if people would just be honest, instead of trying to manipulate people, or win friends by conforming to their character or personality. In my view, everybody should be different, and I curse the human tendency to conform to trends, and ways of behaving. Individuality, I say! This is a long read, but I hope you will find at least parts of it interesting.

Have you ever felt inclined to pretend to like something because others do, or to act a certain way just to give the appearance of being on top of things? I often feel the temptation to cover up my distaste for a certain activity, or my struggles in a certain area, just to make myself look good, or to be “acceptable” in someone or other’s eyes. But I always try to check myself in these moments, and attempt to throw off any disguise. What the crap’s the point in a disguise? Nobody will remember you if you pretend that you’ve been enjoying the last two hours of baking for a public charity. But if you’re honest with people, and you tell them (even those who love this work) that you don’t enjoy it, but are glad to be of service (if even this is true), they’re going to be struck more by your honesty than by any feelings of hurt or resentment at your failure to love what they love. And above all, this frees you up to admit this to anybody, instead of living this lie everywhere you go, or admitting your dislike for the activity only to certain people (creating for yourself a double existence that can result in people discovering your hypocrisy). This baking scenario is only an example, and admittedly a stupid one, but I’m sure that everybody in the world can find some moment or event in their life where they’ve been anything but honest about how they feel, usually for the sake of others.
I know people who will go around pretending to like everything and everyone, just so they can get farther in life in every conceivable way. But how does this help you when a crisis comes, and you suddenly have trouble hiding your true feelings?
As a pastoral intern at a Church, you better believe I have the constant pressure to wear disguises. The temptations come in many forms. One is to pretend that I like everybody, or to force pleasant speak even with those who have clearly been speaking unpleasantly about me behind my back. Is it really my job to be all giggles and hugs with people like this? I think it’s better to be plain with them, and say, “look, you don’t like me, and I don’t like you… let’s move on.” Of course, I may be looked down upon for this, but at least it’s honest.
Another temptation is to try to attain the highest level in the area in which I am interning by pretending to enjoy and find easy every little task. I’ve even read books condoning this kind of behaviour. The philosophy is that if people perceive you as loving everything about your job, and being skilled enough to find every assignment easy, then your chances of moving up increase tenfold (even if you have to lie to get there). I could keep it from my supervisor that I hate making phone calls, and that nothing scares me more than approaching a newcomer (to the Church) with an open palm and a greeting on my lips. Of course, I can manage to do these things, and my supervisor would be none the wiser if I kept my struggles a secret. This would, in fact, be better for me, if I planned on moving up in the pastoral hierarchy as fast as I can (which is the attitude of many). But in the end, I’d far rather just be honest, even if it makes me look bad. And trust me, nothing would make me look worse than admitting to my pastoral supervisor that I take no joy out of praying with a stressed out parishioner after the Sunday service (that is, if it is not somebody I know well). Truth be told, I’d rather leave that duty to someone else, because it just stresses me out and makes me feel sick. But you wouldn’t believe how much pressure there is to hide this struggle. I could even downplay it by pretending that I only get stressed out by that kind of thing. But that would only lead to my supervisor assuring me that it gets easier with time. No – Wait! The truth is, I don’t want it to get easier with time, because it is completely out of my character (I am by nature shy and introverted) to want to be a prayer warrior with people I don’t know. In a ministry setting, the ideal situation for me is to have mentoring relationship with one or two people at most - people that I already know well; the whole “hi, I’m the pastor who can talk to anyone about anything” persona just isn’t me.
The temptation to be a people pleaser is also rather palpable, although I’m becoming good at purposefully disappointing people (in a harmless sense, of course). People pleasers tend to agree with people about everything, and will conform to another person’s opinion if it means avoiding an argument, or just fitting in. To me, nothing repulses me more than when I look back on an event or discourse and realize that I said some things just to make some people happy. Why the crap do I exist? To be a sofa cushion for other people’s comfort? The classic people pleaser thinks that he is being a source of love, joy and peace to others, but that thinking is entirely flawed. Trust me, if you go through your life stepping around people and attempting to make them happy, the only thing you’re accomplishing is making that person’s head bigger. Most of the time they won’t think any better of you for it. They’ll just see you as one of the crowd – the predictable “Yes-Man” who will smile and nod no matter what you say. I honestly believe that people need to be disagreed with in order to keep them balanced. They need to be disappointed in order to remind them that they don’t rule the world.
However, I want to warn against the tedency to retreat towards the polar opposite of what I am here condemning. I also know people (one person in particular is sticking out in my mind) who are constantly rushing into confrontation, and who come across as the most insatiable brand of belly-acres you can imagine. They'll make an issue out of nothing because they think it's their right, or that it's necessary. There's a certain balance to living that needs to be learned, and it fits somewhere between being a people pleaser and a belly-acre. The goal is to find that happy medium.

That's all I have to say for now. Until next time, this has been an installment of "The People Posts".