Thankfully we have such heroic leaders
to show us the way to a cleaner, greener tomorrow.
Hollywood A-listers such as Gwyneth Paltrow and Nicole Kidman will be shuttled to the Academy Awards today in electric sports cars and plug-in hybrids, and the line of limousines waiting their turn to drop stars off at the event will idle on cleaner fuels than ever before.
Studies show that 97% of hot gas rises into the atmosphere during these self-congratulating award shows and other Hollywood VIP gatherings. Unfortunately the scientists forget to mention that it's not the vehicles causing the excessive hot air.
Staffers who know details of the ceremony were tight-lipped all week, but some Tinseltown insiders have hinted there may be an announcement during the show about just how environmentally friendly the awards are.
Lest anyone question their motivations, the announcement will not be made until just before the award for Best Picture is given. You know, so everyone will be able to see that they didn't go green for any reason other than they really care about the environment. No word on whether the stage lighting, air conditioning, and large television screens are energy efficient or environmentally hazardous.
"An Inconvenient Truth," former Vice President Al Gore's film about global warming, is favored to win the Best Documentary Feature category.
No Way!?!!?!?!11?!!?!?1111?!!?1!? Whod've thunk it?
But sources said the Democrat plans to make news today during the first half of the awards program regardless of whether his film is recognized.
Listening to eco-geeko Gore might be about the only worthwhile part of the whole show. Guaranteed to be good for at least a few laughs.
Perhaps he'll talk about how he invented eco-friendly technology.
"By arriving in fuel-efficient green vehicles instead of gas-guzzling limousines, celebrities are helping showcase smart solutions to global warming -- what we drive, as well as how we live," said Matt Peterson, president of the environmental group.
As well as how they live? Really? Al Gore lives in a 10,000-square-foot, 20-room, eight-bathroom home
, and when he isn't there he is vacationing in 4000 square foot "shack" in the "great outdoors" in Arlington, Virginia. Gwyneth Paltrow lives in a six million dollar palace, while Nicole Kidman recently purchased a 12 million dollar townhouse in West London.
But no greenhouse gases or other emissions were released during the building of those homes.
And if they were, they were offset by investments in solar power!
Among the celebrities planning to ride in eco-style is Oscar nominee Leonardo DiCaprio, who said, "It's urgent that we all take steps in our lives to reduce our impact on the environment."
Note the personal suffering DiCaprio has endured in order to reduce his impact on the environment:
If that's what it takes to help our environment, then sign me up! I'd take a palace like that any day of the week.
All in the name of reducing greenhouse gases, of course.
"Global warming is threatening us all," said Penelope Cruz, a Best Actress nominee who will show up in an eco-friendly car. "Fortunately, there are many simple things we can all do such as driving greener cars or changing to compact fluorescent light bulbs, which can dramatically save energy and reduce global-warming pollution."
I wonder how many fluorescent light bulbs are in her house?
Hypocrisy abounds! But perhaps no more than in the actions of The Man Himself:
Mr. and Mrs. Gore will appear at the hottest tickets in town after the awards -- the Vanity Fair party and the swanky Governor's Ball.
No word on whether there will be fluorescent bulbs, green carpets, and carbon-less emissions at both of those gatherings.