!!!WARNING!!! Extreme Bad Taste Alert !!!WARNING!!!
Due to its coarse language, this post is rated R. Reader discretion is advised. Also, this is just a smattering of thoughts... my intention is not to have anyone angry at me... honest!
There is an old saying that goes something like: "Show me the prettiest girl in the world, and I'll show you a guy who is tired of fucking her." Sadly, this statement is true in many cases of marriage. This past week, I heard that a couple I know of have split up. It's the classic soap opera story: man cheats on wife with a co-worker.
In the 21st century, these kinds of stories come as no surprise. However, I was shocked to hear of it with this couple. The thing is, they are both extremely attractive people. Both work out regularily, both have decent jobs, and they seemed to be building a life together. Did I mention, she's totally hot! Like, super-model type hot. Blonde, thin, super-pretty... when I heard that he cheated on her, I thought "what a fuckin' dumbass! A thousand guys would kill for the opportunity to have her, and he throws it all away!". What this guy was thinking is anybody's guess. I suppose only he knows for sure, but I suspect that he wanted something different. He had used what he had over and over again, and was bored with it. Call it mimetic desire if you will, but whatever it was, something within this guy made him order fast food even though he had the steak and eggs at home. I like the term mimetic desire, as it implies that as humans, we want what others have. Almost regardless of what it is, if someone else has it, I need it. This desire is what causes people to lie, cheat, steal, and blame everyone but themselves. In this man's case, he chose a hurtful option (one he knew was hurtful) because what he had did not satisfy him. His selfishness has ruined his relationship with his wife. I hope he is happy! I bet he never thought of that when he was fucking his co-worker! What a shitheel thing to do.
At any rate, this past week has got me thinking again about marriage, married life, and to a smaller extent, children. I won't rehash a lot of the questions I asked while I was at college (to new readers, and those who aren't familiar with my "questions on marriage", I'll try to make it easy to follow the flow of my thoughts. For more information email me). However, I will summarize a few things which I think are important. These really have nothing to do with the rest of my essay, but they are worth noting and could help the read understand where I am coming from.
1. Except for those who adhere to Catholic doctrine, we can all agree that marriage is NOT a sacrament. As long as the denomination you belong to was formed out of the Reformation (assuming the reader is a church-goer... for those who are not... your views on marriage are entirely your own), you believe that there are only two sacraments (ie things that Jesus wants us to do): Baptism and Communion.
2. Separation of church and state is a GOOD thing.
3. The state's view of marriage is different than that of the church because of this separation, and that is okay. The state doesn't force the church to marry people it doesn't want to. Anyone who that the state's view of marriage is incorrect or wrong should look at the status of marriages within the church... helloooooo 50% divorce rate!
4. Nothing spiritually special happens during a wedding. Whatever significance the couple places on their wedding day is entirely their own (and that is okay too, there are things I find important that others think are stupid... and I don't mind). A wedding does not change one's position before God, it does not make him/her any more important, nor is getting married "better" that being single. Conversely, being single is not "better" than being married, it is just different.
As I mentioned in a previous post, a friend of mine is having a wedding ceremony tomorrow. She met a guy last year, dated him for a few months, and decided to "tie the knot", as it were. Since meeting this guy, I have noticed a number of things. First, she has been stressing like crazy over preparations for the wedding. Second, she has constantly worried about "screwing it up" and losing this great guy (and I concur, he is a really cool guy). Third, I can no longer call her to just "hang out". When I first met her, we would cruise around in her car, or go for coffee, or something like that. Now, it is no longer about Sally, it is about Sally and Danny (pseudo-names, by the way!). That is perfectly fine to me; as I said, I like hanging out with both of them and think they are both cool. But what really gets me is that for so many couples I know, the partner half-dictates the schedule. With my single friends, I can call them up whenever and go hang out. Not so with the "marrieds". There needs to be permission asked, and the schedule needs to be checked. Very seldom can I hang out with just one member of the couple. As singles, I've hung out with tons of people, both men and women, and it is no big deal. But with married couples, you get two for the price of one. Going out for a brew with a brutha can turn into an arguement later on, when the brutha gets home to his perturbed better half! I've seen this with many couples, and it makes me feel bad for inviting a married guy out (and don't even get me started on me hanging out with the wife... I stay away from that business!). Why can't things just be normal? Why does there have to be a quasi-dictatorship on time spent together? Is there a couple out there that are actually chill about stuff like this? I haven't found one. There is no freedom in that kind of life. Why in the blue hell would anyone ever choose to live that way? Always having to appease... having to change plans to suit the other... screw that. As it stands, I can spend my paycheque however I damn well please. I can go out to eat whenever I want, I can go with whoever I want, I can stay out as long as I want, and I don't have my conscience reminding me that "your wife is waiting up for you". And don't even get me started on having kids... geez! If marriage doesnt shackle you, having a kid damn sure will!
I'm gonna make a statement right now that I intend on keeping:
If I ever get married, it will be NORMAL. Things will not suck, I won't let them. There won't be any of this monkey-shit business about "waiting up all night" and "feeling guilty about going out without her". And I promise my spouse this: it will work both ways. I will absolutely NOT dictate with who or how you spend your time. We do NOT have to do absolutely everything together. You can have fun on your own if you choose, you can meet up with whomever you like, and if you want to go away for a couple of days to get away and hang with the girls, that's damn-sure fine by me. I will not stand in the way of any plans you might have. I will trust you enough to let you go, and you will trust me with da boyz when I go out.
I believe this is the best way. In fact, it seems to me that in this, there is selflessness, instead of selfishness. No dictatorships... no meaningless phony self-sacrifices... no stupid-ass appeasement policies that cause more tension than they relieve.... none of that shit.
I think that is about all I have to say right now. There was more I wanted to add, but my mind is going a little numb. Hopefully I havent totally ostracized myself from everyone! I've just re-read everything and as per usual, the point is a little unclear. I guess what it comes down to is that everything fucking changes when people get married, and it licks harsh ass. I think of all the people I've known who got married, and everything totally changed. There can never be the fun times of the past, and that is too bad. But the choice was made, and that is that. I may hate it with all the hatred inside of me, but it will never revert back to the way it was. All I can say is that I will not let that happen to me. I want something different for myself.
I suppose I'll add to this sometime in the future. There is some stuff I wanted to say about having kids. Tonight my parents babysat my brothers kid... and he was screaming like a dirty demon. Seriously: screaming non-stop for an hour. Now I love my nephew, and would gladly die (or kill for that matter) to save his little life, but when I think of having to put up with a crying baby night after night... welcome to the land of No-Fucking-Thank-You. Although it would be great to play hockey with my son... that might almost make it worthwhile...
I need to go overseas, dammit.